The world seems to be full of bad news these days. I find myself avoiding it. This is a form of self-preservation for me. My therapist calls me "a sponge" in the nicest possible way. What she means by this is that she finds me incredibly intuitive, in that I have a perceptive inner radar that picks up on static emitted whether it be good or bad by people. This in turn has and exhausting effect on me because I so easily absorb others' emotions, frustrations, and disenchantment with the world.
Often, I am okay with this because I understand how important it is to be empathic toward others. I have been on the receiving end of empathy from friends and family over the past decade, and if they had not been so generous with their compassion, then I may not be here today.
As a woman nearing sixty, my husband and I find ourselves assisting our aged parents transition into aged care and I must put up my hand here and say how difficult it has been to watch my dear mother-in-law regress mentally by a brain frizzled by dementia. Losing her slowly to this insidious disease...it can turn the most placid, kind and gentle of people into mere shadows of their former selves. Trying to grapple with the reality of mood changes swinging like a pendulum is exceedingly difficult to see as someone whom you have loved all your life becomes difficult, obstinate, and angry. I need to keep reminding myself and my family that this is Nan's disease, it is not our Nan.
It is so sad to think that we have already lost her, and my children found the recent changes in her health quite confronting, having seen her over the Christmas period.
Seeing my mother-in-law battle her mental illness has undoubtedly brought to the fore concerns over my own cognitive abilities. I experienced a traumatic event when I was extremely ill many years ago that caused me to suffer a delirium, and despite not really knowing who or where I was at the time, it left an indelible mark on me. That confusion and associated panic remains with me to this day, and I guess although my brush with delirium was only fleeting, I can still feel that sense of terror jab at the very heart of me when I think back on that time.
I heard yesterday of another family friend's passing. Admittedly he was 86, but 86 is the same age as my dear old dad, so news such as this puts me in touch with my own mortality and makes me assess what living means to me. I hope to have my dad around for many more years, but as I approach another birthday, I can't help stopping to think how old I am getting. For some, age is just a number and although I'd love to subscribe to this way of thinking, my body seems to be reminding me daily that while my brain seems stuck in my mid-forties, the creaks and groans delivered to me by a body not so able, reminds me that yes, I am much older than I like to believe.
This has been a topic of discussion between my husband and myself in recent days as we discuss retirement planning. I spent so many years at the depth of my depression suffering severe suicidal ideation, that I am now okay with the thought of death and dying, but that doesn't mean I don't want to seize the day and use what time I have left living the best possible life I can.
I've spent a lot of years chasing rainbows, never being satisfied with who I am, especially since I was forced to retire due to health adversity, never believing that I deserve to be happy, content, or even able to love myself...and this kind of thinking, which is often associated with mental health challenges, is robbing me of the enjoyment that life has to offer me in the here and now. And I am slowly concluding...I deserve better!
So, as I move into 2024, I am more conscious of how important it is to live life in the moment, to seize every opportunity afforded to me if I am able. To drink the wine, to love hard, to laugh with friends, to chase my dreams, to create new ones, to pursue my loves, but most importantly of all...to find it within my heart to accept all my flaws, to learn from challenges, to admit when I need support, maintain healthy boundaries and know it's okay to set them. To forgive myself for being less than perfect, and to embrace and love my inner child, who doesn't always understand that she matters most and deserves to be loved the way I love my own children...without any shadow of a doubt...unconditionally!
