4. Nov, 2013

Fighting fatigue

When I opened my eyes this morning the first thing I felt was my head pounding! As I moved to get out of bed I knew that today was the day.

I have been so busy lately with my brother’s wedding, my son doing his HSC, and the demands of life that I had a feeling this “crash” would come eventually.

My limbs feel like they are weighed down with sandbags, my hands and arms tremor uncontrollably and I am almost nauseous with fatigue. Today I am viewing the world through a heavy fog, my adrenal system is struggling to provide me with some form of energy source.

These feelings are not foreign to me nor are they infrequent! I have been navigating this journey for nearly thirty years. Chronic fatigue syndrome inevitably became the perfect ignition point for my depression.

I have always been a fairly determined person and not happy to settle for second best! This attitude is not compatible with chronic illness.

CFS controls my life! It is constantly determining what I can and can’t do and when! Yes, this sounds like a big sob story….but it is my reality!

One of the hardest things about living with CFS is that most people don’t realize how insidious it is.  It's under-recognized by the medical profession and severely underfunded by governments.

My immunologist is even uncomfortable with the name and he prefers to use the term Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome, so understandably if confusion abounds in the medical fraternity, why would politicians want to put their hands in their pockets and hand out the cash?

 My symptoms took a turn for the worse about four years ago – they were a major contributor to my tumbling crash to rock bottom. These last few years have felt like hell on earth. I don’t like feeling reliant and vulnerable, weak and a burden.

So CFS doesn’t just have a physical cost – the mental and emotional costs are exorbitant. It’s no wonder it leaves you feeling bereft and impoverished in every way.

I have found that the passage through depression can leave you with some sense of spiritual awareness and fulfilment. I’m still waiting to recognize any benefit in feeling tortured by fatigue, weakness and the myriad of other symptoms victims of this curse have to deal with day after day after day!