14. Sep, 2015

Courage

I read a quote the other day that resonated with me. It said…

“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life”. Shannon L Alder.

Well after five long years of a journey of self-discovery foisted upon me when I became ill, I can at last recognise my will to survive for what it really is.

I have been chased by demons, haunted by ghosts, depleted with despair, sapped by sorrow, almost extinguished by exhaustion and besieged by an all-consuming blackness; and for reasons that at the time were imponderable to me I have steadfastly managed to rise like a phoenix from every fire that has befallen me.

I have rallied and mustered an inner strength to push on despite what my often irrational mind has screamed at me.

I have always been a thinker; usually content when left to my own thoughts, and although occasionally destructive, it has been this mind and my inborn will to “not let go” that has both persecuted and saved me.

I haven’t done it alone. The other voice in my head has been that of my often irritating but persistent therapist constantly calling into question my regular distortions of thought.

Rebuilding a life wrought by the devastation of mental illness takes time and a willingness to get well. A willingness to examine every piece in the puzzle of your life, and I mean every factor that has contributed to making you into the person you are today.

I’ve had an extraordinary week! I at last found the courage to seek answers to a lifetime of questions.

It’s amazing how the fear of the unknown can be so disabling but the truth can help set you free.

I’m lying here in my hammock in the peaceful seclusion of my backyard. It’s early spring, yet it feels much like a summer’s day and I seem to be a source of fascination to the curious wildlife that this season births. Spring is a time of renewal. Not just for the insects, birds and the honey bees, but also for me.

I’ve often heard the saying “she has the courage of her convictions” attributed to other people and never really considered that it would apply to me, but several people this week have told me how brave I am. It is lovely and heart-warming to feel validated, however I’m beginning to realise true bravery and courage comes from believing in yourself.