23. May, 2014

Raging rapid

My world is spinning out of control, I am immersed in a confusion of swirling turbulence, I’m at the mercy of raging undercurrents and I’m being swept away in a cascade of fury. This is my hell! I’m drowning in a raging rapid of all-consuming anger.

Of all the emotions that tumble through my mentally challenged mind, anger is the one I am least able to control.

I do not look like an embittered person, and rarely is my anger ever displayed, but there is no doubt that a thunderous hostility rages within me.

It is the voice in my head that is constantly reminding me that I am pathetic, that I will always be second best, and that I am not competent or capable enough.

The voice is loud and persistent, and I must admit I am having difficulty blocking it out and restoring any positive considerations of personal value and self worth.

I am at an impasse! I am stuck! I’ve become a seething, boiling cauldron of unbridled emotion nearing combustion, and I am only using water to hose down the flames of this volatile fuel burning fire.

Common sense tells me that an explosion is imminent, but who will I take down?

I keep telling myself that if I implode rather than explode then the fallout will be significantly reduced thereby minimizing the effect of my demise.

I sometimes lose sight of the value of my life and often believe I am unworthy of love.

I sometimes take risks and tempt fate and don’t care enough about the potential consequences.

I blame this on mental illness! For whatever reason it has left me unzipped, unveiled, exposed and unmasked.

But the real blame lies squarely at my feet! I have nothing and no one to blame but myself, I'm just trying to work out why.

My anger and my inability to stare down its demons are crippling any chance I have of a healthy and prosperous life.

If I am to change, to take charge of my destiny, I know I have to confront and weaken anger’s paralysing grasp, but I don’t think I can do it alone! I need to learn to open my heart and welcome the power of positive change, and to trust the people offering to help pave my path with the prospect of inner peace.