8. May, 2014

The big thaw

I have lost all feeling in my fingers and toes; in fact most bodily sensations have shut down. I am completely submerged under a thick sheet of ice, trapped in a frozen lake.

My vision is blurred, but I can tell my eyes remain open because I can see a ray of light penetrating the fractured crystals. The only thing audible is the slowing of my beating heart. Thump, thump – thump, thump!

Consciousness is fading but I am not dying, I just feel like I am!

I’ve been waiting in limbo for the season to change to thaw my frigid soul – to melt the glacier of depression that has blanketed my will to live for some time now.

If my depression is my winter, then I’m happy to say that spring may be in the air!

My heart is slowly melting through the connection and love of family and friends.

Yesterday I lunched with a friend whom I considered to be my best friend in high school and for many years after. As I sat there staring into those long lost eyes I knew so well, I could sense that our profound connection was never severed, it has just been hibernating like I have been for many seasons.

I wonder why we tend to eagerly seek new friends when we have spent so many years sketching and working on the blueprints of genuine friendships?

Why do we so easily cast them aside when a true friend is rarer than a flawless diamond?

After spending time with my special friend yesterday  I could actually feel my heart begin to thaw. At last awareness, sensation and warmth are beginning to return to my detached and paralysed soul.

For a long time now it has been my preference to shun offers of connection, instead opting to remain distant and aloof! It was my view that it was better to protect the people I loved from “this thing” I had become.

However, I am now gradually beginning to realize that “this thing” is not me, but the illness that is Depression.

Later that day my friend sent me a text telling me I was “wonderful” and that I had made her feel wonderful, and she actually seemed really excited to have seen me.

So have I reached my spring, or the equinox of my illness?

Am I beginning to thaw and blossom like a hardy alpine flower?

Perhaps I really do have value in this world! Perhaps I’m still capable of making people feel good, and that it is possible for me to seek and regain true connection!

If so, then maybe I can begin looking forward to the warmth and sunshine of my approaching summer!