8. Aug, 2015

Why

On the front lawn nets of all colours would lie scattered and drying in the sun. Dad would sit there bent over with twine and needle in hand sewing with the dexterity of a seamstress, but with even more care and passion because those nets were his livelihood.

Sketched as if they were architectural masterpieces even just one flaw in the design process could render them ineffectual. It is a dying skill the art of net making – a skill passed down through many generations of fishermen.

With the eyes of a curious child I used to go out and sit with dad as he mended them. He was my captive audience and I would take the opportunity for some “me time”. I’d rest by his side in awe of the speed in which he would make the repairs and bombard him with question after question about boats and the sea and any other interests he had that he would wish to talk about.

I think this was where my interest in “why things are” came from.

Occasionally he would emerge from his reverie and say “that’s a good question!” My chest would swell with pride, any measure of his annoyance at me forgotten, and with him absorbed in his story telling I would become lost in his attention and praise.

As I grew, my interest in the wonders of the world was piqued. So it seemed as if all the planets had aligned when I became a radio producer. It was the perfect platform to fulfil and nurture my interest.

I am finding though as I grow older, more experienced and wiser I am more attuned to the benefits of hindsight and am realising that not everything in life can be explained away…for some questions there are just no answers.

Why have I had a chronic illness for 30 years? Why have I suffered from the pains of anxiety and depression? Why did three of my grandparents die of cancer? Why are innocent people’s lives often stolen from them all too soon? Why is life so challenging?

I remember some of my queries being answered with “it just is what it is”, or “because I said so”, but for me, these were never answers. Acceptance for me in every form has been met with challenge. This has made the process of healing from illness more complicated and in many ways has been a barrier to my progress.

It was only a few weeks ago that I was reminded of the poignant line from Tennyson’s poem “The Charge of the Light Brigade” - “Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die” when my therapist said that I need to “not” think so much…to stop asking why so often and just accept that some things just are…

Yep…she’s onto me too!

I have always held more of an affinity for the tangible; the thumping crash of a wave breaking on shore, lightening that sheets across a moonlit sky, birds flying freely across a cloudless expanse of blue and air that you can feel but not see.

These are really our reasons for being. There is no why here…they transcend any questions, how could I be so naïve to think that we can reduce them to an answer in just a few words.

Little by little I am inching toward a greater understanding of the complexities of life. Why? Because I am!