21. Nov, 2013

Death defying

It’s been several years now since I was sucked into the heady vortex of darkness! I have been mentally absent for a lot of this time, and my brain has been gripped in a vice of depression. My lungs contort with the constant pressure of anxiety.  I have been stuck in the undertow of a big wave and my foot has become wedged under a rocky outcrop. I frantically fight to free myself, I am being forced to confront my destiny.

Mental illness masks many faces! I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety and I also have a couple of other labels thrown in.

In all honesty, I have struggled to get out of bed for three years! My journal bears testament to my constant grapple with this beast. I have proven to be pretty treatment resistant, so progress is moving at a “snail like” pace.

I have done a lot of “ruminating” (obsessive thinking) with a very tired and ill brain, a brain that causes me as much exhaustion as my physical fatigue. My mental motor has become very dark! It has a morbid curiosity with death; it is constantly weighing up my choices in life to see whether it thinks the family I love would be better off without me.

This brain of mine thinks it has everything worked out! A lot of thought can go into evaluating the various options and ways to escape this earth. Severe depression is cruel! It devalues everything and everyone you exist for, and convinces you that you are unworthy of happiness, love and contentment. 

Mental illness robs you of your ability to reason with yourself, it fleeces you of your self-esteem so you constantly question your thoughts and actions, your anxious brain spews forth a fog that numbs your senses so you are deaf and blind to life, and words on a page are a jumble of confusion. In short you lose all sense of who you really are.

So, when you think about it, why wouldn’t you want to die? What left do you have to live for? 

The urge to end your life is an undeniably powerful force! The fact that people can and do kill themselves through suicide is rarely understood, and often negatively judged by people with very little knowledge of just how hard this journey is!

So guess what? I am more afraid of living than dying!! Life is hard and never seems to get any easier!

I would never condemn anyone for succumbing to suicide, nor do I condone it, but I absolutely understand the excruciating pain that gnaws at an irrational mind like a rabid dog. However, so far I have been fortunate; I have a wonderful support network that unconditionally envelopes me in its arms of security and love, and nourishes me with the one thing I can't afford to lose ..... HOPE!

 Note: If you or anyone you know is in need of Mental Health Crisis Support - call Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14