10. Sep, 2020

Suicide and saviours

All the talk of suicide today has taken me back to a time in my life when I was being squashed by the dark paws of the black dog. I have come along way since then, since the time when my days were nothing but a series of drawn out nightmares of marking time, when I thought a time would come when I would surely end my life. The plan was in place.

Some days I would be waiting for the right moment, or for any feeble excuse to end my suffering. So dark and so powerful is the grip of suicidal ideation. It is the cruelest and deepest of cuts. It severs the irrational from the rational, and the irrational is nothing but the mightiest of beasts as it erodes any sense of empowerment and self.

The greatest of narrators, it obsessively tells you “you are not good enough”, “nobody loves you” and “you are a burden to those you hold dear and they will be better off without you”. Its arguments, its obsessive chatter suppresses all rational thought.

You look around you, but you cannot see.

The beauty of the sea hawk soaring above like a glider in flight, the turtle passing by that pops its head up to look around, the dolphins rounding up fish on the tidal banks, the warm rays of the sun on your skin, the songs of sleepy swamp oaks are all buried in a world lost to all connection, as colour dims and all you can see is a world tinted in sepia.

Disconnection from the ones you love is in some ways a survival skill as your fear of getting hurt or rejected by the people you love is another beast bolting its way into your brain. So, you curl up into yourself like a threatened snail into its shell as you seek out a safe place, cutting yourself off from everyone willing to offer a hand.

And even though theirs may be outstretched, you pull yours away through fear of vulnerability. You lose faith in yourself and you lose it in all who surround you.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I have to ask myself why it is only one day, shouldn’t it be every day, shouldn’t we be offering our hands to those in need every day of the year? I have often thought that mental illness is one of the cruelest of illnesses, and have heard myself saying how most people with chronic illness, such as cancer, spend their days fighting to live….while many people with mental illness spend most of their days wishing to die. Not listening to that screaming narrator is sometimes an impossible ask, and I get it, I get why some people answer the call.

I often reflect on my darkest days and ask why I didn’t answer the call…and I always come up with the answer “because I was loved”. I had people in my life who didn’t just ask me once a year on a dedicated day if I was okay. I had people asking me every day if I was okay, they were my saviours.

There are many misperceptions surrounding suicide and suicidal ideation and most come from a position of ignorance. My experience with severe major depression may just shed light on your beliefs.

Below are facts according to a suicidal mind.

Fact 1: Suicidal thoughts for me were never a reason to get attention, the thoughts for me were just the opposite, they were to protect my family from my very sick self.

Fact 2: Suicidal ideation for me, became in some ways a source of comfort, because I knew, that if everything went to hell in a handbasket, I had a back-up plan to release the world from the irrational me.

Fact 3: They were never about control of other people, only an attempt to gain control over myself and my actions.

Fact 4: Because I thought so much about dying, I became conditioned to it and no longer feared it.

Fact 5: I thought my children would be better off without their sick mother.

Fact 6: I feared I was cloaking my family and friends with my shadow of darkness.

Fact 7: I believed I no longer had a valid reason to live.

Fact 8: I had lost my identity and no longer knew who I was.

So, with your rational mind, try to make sense of what I believed, of the stories my mind was telling me on a minute by minute basis, over weeks and weeks of sleepless nights.

If you think asking the question “R U Okay” is difficult, spare a thought for what just might be going through the mind of a severely depressed person.

I confess, here and now, that after many years spent in a pit of doom, I never did attempt suicide, the reason for which belongs to the incredible family and group of friends that I have supporting me.

Being brutally honest, I also must confess that I still do occasionally have times when the irrational black dog comes to visit, I believe that despite my efforts I will never be totally free of him, but I manage my life and my mental health on a daily basis.

One rational fact I must bring to your attention is that suicide, and suicidal ideation is NOT about weakness, or about “giving up”. The extreme mental anguish that a person faces in this mood state is much more selfless than most people think, for reasons I have outlined in my “irrational” facts.

So be a support. Don’t be afraid to ask the question daily if you are concerned about someone you love, because you never know, you may just unwittingly be gifting them with a life and a future filled with love and contentment.