24. Oct, 2015

Pathway to pearls

Light misty rain shrouds the mountains to the west of me yet I sit here under sunny skies resting after successfully completing my first ever stand up paddleboard attempt.

I languish on the shore in the lazy backwater of Agnes Water in Queensland. It reminds me of a set out of a locally produced TV drama series.

It is sleepy and idyllic. There are no sounds of trucks or trains or incessant car horns disturbing the peace, just the blissful sounds of birdlife at home in their natural habitat. I can hear the occasional mumble and laugh of passers-by as they too enjoy the majestic backdrop of this coastal paradise.

The tide is on the make and soon the finely crafted artwork of sand spheres formed by many millions of tiny crabs will become the river bed once more and will inevitably provide sustenance to hungry fish.

My sense of smell is roused by the scent of citrus permeating from the Lemon-scented gum trees; they tower over the wiry fronds of the Pandanas palms which adorn the river frontage. I seek their shelter from the harsh rays of the midday sun.

I can feel the ache of my limbs after doing even a small amount of exercise. I haven’t quite conquered my recent CFS crash. I mete out what little amounts of energy I have with the frugality of a war rations officer.

It is tiresome but I try to keep reminding myself that I have pushed through other setbacks and I will do it again! Beating down the brutality of the inner critic is half the battle and I am trying not to become overwhelmed by an all-encompassing sense of frustration that I can’t do what I want! Oh woe is me! You would think after all this time that I would be accustomed to “it is what it is” but I have always had such a zest for life; even through my deepest darkest moments I am prodded by my conscience and sense of duty to the people I love.

I am really very lucky! I am away on holidays with a man that truly loves me (go figure) and although he is often challenged when it comes to understanding my issues – he accepts them with the grace of a true lover, partner, carer and friend. He is fortunate to be confident in his own skin and doesn’t need to insecurely doubt my occasional difficult moods and whether he may be to blame.

He knows without a shadow of a doubt that I am my own harshest critic and that I often have unreal expectations of what I can or need to do…and he is one hundred percent correct! Even though his demands are few, I am often filled with a terrible guilt that I am letting him and my loved ones down.

I wrote in my first ever blog that this was a journey, and that a journey begins with just one step.

However with each step I am realising that for me it’s not really about finding some sort of enlightenment or eternal happiness. It is more a pathway to personal acceptance and learning to be happy and content in my own skin. I’m still stumbling along the path. The view in the mirror displeases me but I am endeavouring to look deeper…far beyond the wrinkling, greying and decaying surface of a mere reflection to find a few pearls of wisdom within.