9. Mar, 2016

Enough is enough

I believe that in our constant search for personal growth and obsession with excellence, we tend to lose sight of the subtle signs around us that tell us we are enough!

I am so guilty of this! At the times I feel a little stronger I tend to torture myself with an internal dialogue that I am not adequate. So I take on anything I can in order to prove to myself that I am more than my illness, anything that will validate my reason for breathing.

“The ruminator” - my anxious mind, says I must get a job, enrol in an expensive course and contribute to society because I am valueless without these things.

Managing multiple chronic illnesses, a household and a family is not enough. I am not enough!

What has happened to us as a society when we tend to value our sense of worth by the amount of roles we can juggle?

I must admit I do miss my career as a radio producer. It was incredibly fulfilling and validating because I felt I was contributing to a greater cause, but the pressure I put on myself to be more than I need to be is harming me!

I’ve had a particularly bad few days! A few things happened that undermined my fragile sense of self and caused me a lot of anxiety and internal pain; but I was reminded by a few special people that I am loved by many and the judgement of my “lack of value” is mine and mine alone.

As I lay floating in my pool last night just on dusk, I was mesmerised by the pastel orange and pink clouds moving briskly by on the evenings nor-easterly breeze and I was reminded how insignificant we really are when we zoom out and broaden our view to take in such a magical landscape – or the big picture.

As the lower level cloud parted, far above a wispy cloud in the shape of a snow white angel with outstretched wings appeared before my eyes, it was nothing short of magnificent, and I couldn’t help but take this as a sign. Finally after a tense few days I began to relax a little, feeling slightly more comforted that no matter how hard life is, and how rarely we realize it, we all have someone watching over us.

I am being serenaded by the calming sound of Gabriel’s Oboe by the great Ennio Morricone playing in the background, it is an incredibly emotive piece of music. It has the effect of making me feel both triumphantly happy and tinged with a dreadful sorrow all at the same time.

Our feelings are perhaps our Achilles heel and we are often our own harshest critic because irrespective of who we are or what we do, we should never forget that we each contribute something to society, no matter how large or small we consider it to be. In short we can do only what we can do and we need to believe quite simply that enough is enough!