8. Jul, 2016

Captured

Occasionally when a song I love comes up on my iPod it can transport me to a tropical oasis in my mind, and for that three or so minutes I get a brief respite from the angry arrows of accusations that rain down on me every minute of most days.

Ultimately my mind and the narrative it tells me is my mortal enemy. It is rarely still and when it is it is usually stupefied by sedatives into an induced sleep.

But from the moment I wake, not even needing to open my eyes my imaginary marathon begins, making it almost impossible for me to slip back into a restful slumber.

Do you remember the days of old when vinyl records provided our vital connection with music and you would be just getting into that favourite song, perhaps preparing yourself for a Tom Cruise “Risky Business” floor slide and you would be stopped unceremoniously because your favourite song was scratched? And over and over it would tick…the same riff would play until you got up and moved the needle across the scratch.

That annoying scratch is my brain! It is that broken record that replays every action, every reaction, every look, every facial expression, every comment, every nuance, every word and every detail of every conversation and every interaction it has.

No wonder I am forever exhausted! At low times it literally feels like your brain has been captured by the evil dementors of darkness and nothing will release their grip on you.

That horrific and nasty narrative goes something like this…you are unlovable, you are a failure, you can’t do anything successfully, you’re a loser, what could anyone possibly see in you, you’re fat, you’re old, you’re ugly, you’re useless, you’re trouble, you’re hard work, you’re always sick so what good are you? What can you possibly contribute to society? 

Having suffered both from severe anxiety and depression, I occasionally plead for the mental numbness that depression provides and I think the often resulting depression is the brain's way of protecting itself from that continued hyperaroused state that holds you caged and captive and desperate for pause.

So I am learning to seek pleasure in my environment, to immerse myself in those songs that make me cry and those songs that make me feel, and in hobbies that literally make me see past the inner workings of my mental murmurings such as photography and writing. Anything to get what is stuck in…out!

It is easy to be swept away by the absoluteness of the darkness, and I often need prompting that it is not me, just a part of who I am.

I’m finding it is okay to need people, and okay to be loved, and despite my often accompanying difficulties I can be of value to those I love. I try to remind myself at crucial times in my life that demons do rise and darkness passes and that even though I often feel captured by them, it is possible to break free, but rarely can you do it alone.

Needing people is not a weakness but an almighty strength. Making yourself vulnerable is so much harder than sticking your head in the sand and hoping your demons will drown. They don’t! They end up controlling you and every aspect of your life!