11. Oct, 2013

Bouncing boys

I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage! It wasn’t a planned pregnancy; I just had the good fortune to be very fertile. I was 28 at the time and we hadn’t really made plans to start a family, but this baby who unfortunately was never to be, lit the flame of yearning for me to become a mother.

True to form, I did more than yearn; I became obsessed to be pregnant again, so our quest to begin a family began in earnest! I think my husband was slightly disappointed that it was a little too easy; because just five short months later we discovered that I was pregnant.

Apart from the innocence lost, my second pregnancy went like clockwork, until when I was thirteen days overdue and after a thirty hour labour ending in an emergency caesarean, my beautiful 9lb 3oz son came screaming into the world. (That's him in the photo!)

Two and a half years later he was joined by a gorgeous big bouncing brother weighing in at 10lb 10oz. He was delivered naturally but again not without complications, but the important thing was we were both alive and kicking! The things we do for love!

I wasn’t just lucky, I was truly blessed! My boys are compassionate, kind, loyal and loving! They have never been in any kind of trouble and they accept and have grown up with a mum with chronic and mental health problems, and have never used my illness against me or complained about it in any way.

Life isn't perfect, and I think that navigating my illness has been a lesson learned, it has made them more understanding, accepting and tolerant of the differences in people and the hardships that we all face.They know that in order to enjoy the good things in life you have to work hard, be it on a financial or emotional level.

In my darkest hours I have often thought that my children would be better off without a mother who is stuck wallowing in the quicksand of depression, but in good times I know deep in my heart that my thoughts are often distorted by a thick pea soup fog!

I don’t live each day for myself yet! I live to satisfy the needs of those who depend on me to hug, hold and love them. To sit beside them and listen to them play guitar and talk about their day.

I guess I am living for myself; but I just so want to be able to appreciate those moments fully for what they are without the numbness of depression casting its shadow.

My boys are my connection with humanity, my blue and brown eyed children remind me daily to keep searching beyond my mist covered horizon in search of hope, happiness, health and clarity.