31. Jul, 2013

Darkness descends

When darkness descends on your life and your world is tipped off kilter, very often you become buried deep within the workings of your mind. The irony is, that mind isn't working the way it should.  So how do you recognise this and regain any kind of perspective on life?

I think the tell tale sign for me was that my anxiety became so extreme that I felt like my chest was being crushed by a jackboot wearing gorilla, and my thoughts were being consumed by ways to escape this earth.  My reason for this was that I wouldn't have to subject my family and friends to the pessimistic, hateful and withdrawn entity that I had become.

I viewed and sometimes still view myself as being a "burden" to my loved ones. Depression shreds and then consumes self-esteem like a vacuum cleaner leaves behind a cloud of dust, visible only to the naked eye when captured in a ray of sunlight.

Losing the will to live was a defining factor in my urgency to seek help, and in moments of clearer thinking I recognised that some of my other actions were affecting the family I love negatively.

When it comes to this illness knowledge is power and comfort, and having your loved ones more informed gives them a greater understanding and tolerance of sometimes disturbing emotions and behaviours that are an all too common part of mental illness. 

The first step on the road to recovery is acknowledging that things aren't the way they should be. It takes courage to walk through the surgery door and I felt opening my mind to be much more difficult than opening my shirt. I am still here because I continue to work daily on peeling back the layers of my troubled mind!